Image

Made in Your image.
I couldn't fathom that.
I was searching for myself.
I didn't know who I was.
Was I the product of my upbringing?
My trauma?
My feelings?
My sins?
Was I doomed to what I had become?
I thought I would be okay
Once I found myself.
But I couldn't find myself -
Until I found You.
You found me.
You gave me a home
When no one wanted me.
You gave me a name.
You created me
In Your image.

All About Love

"Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - Ephesians 4:2

I recall a conversation I had with a Christian friend many years back in which she claimed to have turned to Buddhism because "those people really know how to live." I was not very close friends with this girl, so I do not know how strong her own faith had been (I do know that she had only professed to be a Christian for two years). I also do not know if she had completely turned from Christianity or if she was simply exploring some Buddhist teachings while maintaining a walk with the Lord. But this statement really stuck with me. At first, I was taken aback. To be honest, my judgmental 14-year-old heart was seriously doubting the genuineness of her faith. Over a decade later, however, I am filled not with judgement but sadness. I am sad that individuals can be turned off to Christianity because they don't know what Christianity is really about.

The primary reason people, especially seekers and new Christians, are turned off to Christianity is our lack of love. Christians can be mean. I am reminded of that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners," which has the line "Nobody knows what we're for, only what we're against, when we judge the wounded." Is our hope in Christ and the love that he gives immediately visible to outsiders? I'm not saying people should immediately get saved when they see you without ever having a real conversation, but does your spirit make them curious about this Jesus you claim to live for? Or do you (unknowingly sometimes) push them away by only casting judgment without expressing love for the hurting?

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

This was one of the first scriptures I memorized (besides John 3:16) as a child in Sunday School. I could go into a lengthy discussion about what it means to be "fruitful," and why the word "fruit" is singular when clearly more than one trait is mentioned, but I just want to focus on the first part of that scripture: "But the fruit of the spirit is love." But what is love? (Baby, don't hurt me?) I have a post where I go into depth about the specifics of love (but fail to give a concise definition). Read that post. Although I did not concisely define love, I gave a few practical examples of love.

I am reminded of another scripture, John 13:35, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." How can we expect to be accepted as trustworthy witnesses if we, as Christ's disciples and ambassadors, do not show love to outsiders or even each other? 

I will be healed...eventually

The circumstances surrounding my healing may not be what I expect, or even pray for...but I will be healed.

- Cole Gossage, 2020

This weekend I went to see the movie about Jeremy Camp's life, I Still Believe. The movie is based on his memoir, which I am also reading (I take pride in my Amazon Prime-like reading time of one to two days regardless of the length of the book, but that is not what is happening right now...). I will try not to reveal too many details other than those which I knew before I started reading the book, but this message is too important not to share.

If you listened to Christian radio any time circa 2003, there is a good chance you know at least a little of Jeremy Camp's testimony. His first wife, Melissa, died of cancer just a few months into their marriage. Throughout their short relationship, the couple often prayed that Melissa would be healed. There are a few instances in which she was healed temporarily, and she was in remission for their wedding. This cancer-free period was short-lived, though, as the cancer came back "with a vengeance" shortly after the wedding, and doctors revealed that there was nothing more they could do.

Jeremy wrote about his faith being challenged in this time: "God, why did you allow us to believe she had been healed?" His realization really resonated with me:

"The realization began to set in that perhaps she was indeed being healed in that moment - a different type of healing from what I had been praying for, believing for, and hoping for, but healed the way God wanted. I believed God had been revealing to Melissa that the cancer and all the pain and suffering was being removed from her as she entered His presence for eternity."

So, even if I am not healed on Earth, I will be healed in Heaven? Revelation 21:4 promises us that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." I look forward to this (while acknowledging that it will certainly not be the best part of eternity with my Jesus), but I admit that I have never exactly thought of it as "healing." Whenever someone prays that I will be healed, I admit that I cringe a little. My condition is medically untreatable. While God certainly CAN heal me on this Earth, I realize that it isn't very likely. I am 100% okay with that, and honestly (for reasons that I still have not quite figured out how to put in words) I would prefer it. But I realize now that healing on the other side of eternity is still healing, and it is promised.

How Many Kings

This morning, I was listening to the song How Many Kings by Downhere. Yes, a Christmas song. In February. Generally, I dislike Christmas music. It tends to be quite gimmick-y and, honestly, a little cheesy. You're a societal laughingstock if you listen to Christmas music before November 1 (even that is debatable, with some Scrooges insisting that Christmas music not be played before Thanksgiving, or even December 1). Okay, maybe labelling the holly jolly and their critics as "laughingstocks" and "Scrooges" is a bit much, but listening to Christmas music outside of a specified window of time is definitely not socially acceptable.

Is Easter music as "time-restricted" though? We listen to songs of Christ's resurrection and sing them at church year round. Why is the incarnation different? Both are central to the Gospel message.

My point is not to demand that worship leaders choose more Christmas songs when planning services throughout the year, or even to defend my own listening/worship habits, but I want to encourage us to think about the Gospel message as a whole. The chorus of How Many Kings is as follows. I believe it encompasses the Gospel quite beautifully:

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

One of the greatest miracles of all time is that God humbled Himself to become a man. Humility doesn't even begin to cover it. John Eldredge compares it in his book Beautiful Outlaw to Albert Einstein, in all his knowledge, sitting in a class full of kindergarteners and completely outsmarting them because, well, he's Einstein. That doesn't make him a kindergartener. But Jesus was fully human. Fully God, yes, but he spent nine months developing in Mary's womb. He had to learn to walk and talk. The God who calls the stars by name had to learn the name for everything. Human.

By no means was he faking it. The God who never tires had a physical need to sleep. If he weren't fully human, he wouldn't have been able to suffer on the cross as he did. He felt every lash of the whip. A God who is so separated from humanity would have no idea what that is like.

God deserves to be praised not just for what He's done, but for who He is. Father. Son. Spirit. None of this would have been possible if God were not who He is.

Christmas is For the Kids

Toys galore in every store

Visits with Santa

Sleigh rides and more

Happy children all around

Christmas is for the kids.

Photo albums and memories of Christmases past

Drinking cocoa and cider, lost in the nostalgia

Because Christmas, after all, is for the kids.

But some memories are painful

For some, “Joy to the World” is nowhere to be found

“Peace on Earth” is more of a great sentiment

And not a reality

Oh well - Christmas is for the kids.

But what if there’s more?

What if the carols have a deeper meaning?

What if Christmas is not just for the kids?

The God of the universe became human

Our Creator took the form of a humble infant

If anyone is worthy of a golden bejeweled cradle, it is the Lord

Instead, He was placed in a feeding trough

So that we might have life

This Christmas gift is for everyone.

He Says My Name

I don't really have a clever quote or inspirational scripture with which to start things out this time. I tend to be a "go with the flow" type writer, but I feel like I have even less to work with this time. Therefore, this will probably be a shorter post than usual, but it is something that I have been doing a lot of thinking and study on lately.

One of my favorite characters in the Bible (besides Jesus, of course) is Peter. Peter who denied Jesus three times, Peter. After Jesus had risen, Peter was allowed three times to redeem himself and prove his love for the Lord. Peter was also among the first to see the risen Savior. I believe Jesus specifically called Peter by name to ordinate this.

I identify with Peter so much. His love for his Lord was sincere, but he denied Jesus to protect himself. I love Jesus wholeheartedly, and I like to think that if I was told to deny Christ or be killed, that I would stand strong and die for the faith, but that promise is really difficult to make unless I am actually in that situation. Regardless, God knows my heart, and he says my name. That's grace.

Change your thinking - Change your life!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  -Philippians 4:8, 9

The title of this blog post is very reminiscent of those self help books your aunt may have kept on the shelf and never read, but those books make me very uncomfortable. While I believe many such books are well-intentioned, they miss the point. (Perhaps that is the point - giving you advice that works only temporarily so you have to buy more books. But isn't that the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over expecting different results? Hmm...) Most of these self-help books attempt to help the reader find happiness - and often it does work - but happiness is fleeting. What these books cannot give you is joy - permanent joy.

If you have been in church at all, you probably know that true joy does not exist outside of Christ. But why? More importantly, how? Is there some magical moment when I get saved that all my troubles go away and I'm happy? Not likely. After I get saved, will I suddenly be able to see and trust God's plan in all of my problems? You're getting warmer, but you're not there yet. You're still missing the why. What is it about the Christian life that lets believers rejoice in the midst of their pain? One of the best examples of joy in the midst of suffering is Job. Job was clearly depressed (for good reason) and, in chapter 3, even lamenting his very birth, but through it all, he was able to say "blessed be the name of the Lord" (1:21).

But that still doesn't tell me how. I know that God has a plan, but I feel guilty for not seeing it. What's more, I feel guilty about feeling guilty. Been there. I know what is true; I even believe it, but it is still so easy to let fear and doubt control my life. I know that I have hope when I feel hopeless, but I still can't shake this hopeless feeling. My focus isn't always in the right place. One of my favorite movies is Patch Adams. While in a mental hospital, Patch encounters a fellow patient who holds up four fingers and asks "how many fingers do you see?" This seems like a silly question, because he is clearly holding up four fingers, but his explanation is very wise: "If you're focused on the problem, you can't see the solution." To someone who does not understand, I imagine it might look something like this:

So are you saying I just need to ignore my problems? Well, not exactly. I'm saying that you should focus less on your problems and more on the God who is ultimately in control. Take your concerns to God. Tell Him that you are worried. Acknowledge that He is in control, but expressing your fears and doubts is true intimacy with God.

CREATOR creates creators

Destroy the idea that you gotta be good at artistic things to enjoy them, that every hobby has to be something you're so good at, you can monetize it.

A capitalist lie.

Sing offkey, draw poorly, write badly. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not monetized. You're not a product.

-Tumblr user @bookavid, 2019

One of the foundational truths of the Christian life is that we are created in the image of God (therefore, contrary to the above quote, we technically are a product, but the Tumblr user was presumably not trying to make that point). Have you ever thought about what that really means? You have probably reminded others (or yourself) that they are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God when they (or you) are feeling down and suffering from a lack of self-confidence, and sure, it is certainly a reminder to be confident in who God created us to be, but who did God create us to be? This verse (Genesis 1:27 to be exact) implies that we cannot know who we are until we know who God is.

The verse says that God created man in His image. God is Creator. We were created to create. Does that mean we have to be "good" at the things we create? "Good" is such a subjective term. The Veggie Tales episode "A Snoodle's Tale" is particularly good at illustrating this. And see, I think it's good; other people may not. But I digress. The snoodle did not know where he came from or what his gifts (paints, a kazoo, wings) were for. Then he met the one who created him and who gave him these things. At first, he did not know who this large snoodle was, but this became clear when He said "But I know who you are, for I made you." A few moments later, the small snoodle showed the large snoodle a picture of flowers that he painted. The picture was nothing more than a few colorful brush strokes that might look like flowers if you squint your eyes, tilt your head, and use your imagination, but the large snoodle was pleased with this painting simply because it was created by His creation, whom He was proud of.

I hesitate to call myself an artist because I'm not that good, but I love creating. Music, short movies, photography, painting, poetry (or prose): I think it's amazing to be able to make something that has never existed. And I am (usually, to some extent anyway) proud of my work. But if I can be proud of the happy little accidents I call art, how much more is God, the perfect Creator, proud of us, His masterpiece?

Response to Pessimistic

I have struggled with depression for most of my life. My struggle became worse when I turned 14. My teenage years were so much more than awkward. Throughout high school, I carried a notebook around with me and wrote poetry. Inevitably, my depression was evident in my work. One poem, aptly titled "Pessimistic" is especially memorable. I wrote it during my freshman year of high school. I had gone to the same school from kindergarten until eighth grade, so high school was my first time going to a new school. It should have been a fresh start. Unfortunately, it was not. The depression that began when I was a 7 year old on the playground, calling herself stupid because that's what other people said about her, and became worse when I was a 14 year old crying in the lunch line because people were still mean, followed me to high school. The work was not much harder than it had been in middle school, but with the added pressures of more classes throughout the day with more people (and newfound social media sites), depression seemed inescapable, and I wanted to die.

This poem is one of many that I wrote at one of my lowest points. While my suicidal thoughts were not explicitly stated in this particular poem, if someone I loved were to write this poem and show me, I would be seriously concerned for their life. My battle with depression followed me to college and is something I still struggle with to this day, but I am realizing that the things I have been saying to myself for nearly 20 years are lies straight from Satan. For so long, I have allowed him to drown out the truth that the Holy Spirit tells me, but I am learning to listen for the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit and use it to face the lies Satan screams in my face. So, several years ago, remembering the poem I had written in high school, I decided to write how I thought God would respond to every dark thought expressed in the poem.

My sins scribbled on my forehead

For the world to see;

Who could love me?

Every mistake I've made 

Comes back to haunt me;

Who will accept me?

The poison of rejection has made me ill;

My past, a knife that has stabbed my heart.

I'm searching for acceptance 

In a world that is against me;

How long until my search is over?

I'm worn out and tired 

Of making futile attempts at finding a friend.

All I've ever hoped for, 

Now thrown away.

The ugliness of rejection is all that shows.

Rejected, and this pencil and paper are all I have --

My only friends in a dark world of hurt and pain.

Uninvited, 

And I can't take anymore.

The lonely tears I cry are ignored 

By teasing laughter.

My life will be a secret, 

Lived for only me to see.

This gloomy raincloud of regret hovers over me,

And all I can do 

Is write.
  

When your sins are scribbled on your forehead

For the world to see,

I still love you.

When every mistake you've made

Comes back to haunt you,

I will accept you.

The poison of rejection has made you ill;

Your past seems like a knife that has stabbed your heart.

You have been searching for acceptance

In a world that is against you;

Your search is now over.

You're worn out and tired,

But I give you rest.

All you've ever hoped for

Can be found in Me.

Now the beauty of acceptance is all that shows.

You are Mine, and I am all you need.

Call on Me when your world is dark.

I invite you in;

You don't have to fight anymore.

I have heard your cry;

What took you so long to cry to Me?

Your life was never a secret;

I saw every moment.

I welcome you in with open arms

And I call you

My child.

Job Never Knew

Everybody knows the Biblical story of Job, right? Okay, maybe not everybody, but if you grew up in church or went to a Christian school as I did, chances are, it came up. In the first chapter of the book of Job, Satan claims that Job's faithfulness and righteousness have been dependent on God's blessings. Satan claims that Job would surely curse God if God were to take away the blessings from Job's life. God considers this and allows Satan to test Job, so long as Job himself is not touched. I have always found comfort in this part of the story (Job 1:12) - Satan cannot do anything to us unless God allows him, and God has our best interest in mind, right? I still find comfort in that verse, but I also have a new perspective: after more study, I realized that Job never found out why God allowed such suffering.

The book of Job consists of much "back-and-forth" between Job, God, and the "miserable comforters" who tell Job that he deserves to suffer even more than he already is. Job questions, but it is never revealed to Job why this pain fell upon him. Some might take this to mean that we can't question God - because we know the end of the story - but I would say that the whole point is that we can question. Our questioning does not change the outcome, nor does it make God love us less, but we are free to wonder why there is so much pain in our world. We can have faith that God is for us and will never leave us nor forsake us, but should we doubt, God is right there waiting to pick us up. We don't have to start over from square one every time we mess up - we would never get anywhere.

I want to leave you with a verse from a song. I am not going to post an audio or video clip (you can look it up on YouTube if you want; the song is called "Oh Heart Bereaved and Lonely" by Leigh Nash), but one verse in particular has given me comfort through my doubting periods:

Oh cling to thy redeemer: thy savior, brother friend

Believe and trust his promise to keep you ‘til the end

Oh watch and wait with patience, and question all you will

His arms of love and mercy are ‘round about thee still