I have struggled with depression for most of my life. My struggle became worse when I turned 14. My teenage years were so much more than awkward. Throughout high school, I carried a notebook around with me and wrote poetry. Inevitably, my depression was evident in my work. One poem, aptly titled "Pessimistic" is especially memorable. I wrote it during my freshman year of high school. I had gone to the same school from kindergarten until eighth grade, so high school was my first time going to a new school. It should have been a fresh start. Unfortunately, it was not. The depression that began when I was a 7 year old on the playground, calling herself stupid because that's what other people said about her, and became worse when I was a 14 year old crying in the lunch line because people were still mean, followed me to high school. The work was not much harder than it had been in middle school, but with the added pressures of more classes throughout the day with more people (and newfound social media sites), depression seemed inescapable, and I wanted to die.
This poem is one of many that I wrote at one of my lowest points. While my suicidal thoughts were not explicitly stated in this particular poem, if someone I loved were to write this poem and show me, I would be seriously concerned for their life. My battle with depression followed me to college and is something I still struggle with to this day, but I am realizing that the things I have been saying to myself for nearly 20 years are lies straight from Satan. For so long, I have allowed him to drown out the truth that the Holy Spirit tells me, but I am learning to listen for the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit and use it to face the lies Satan screams in my face. So, several years ago, remembering the poem I had written in high school, I decided to write how I thought God would respond to every dark thought expressed in the poem.
My sins scribbled on my forehead
For the world to see;
Who could love me?
Every mistake I've made
Comes back to haunt me;
Who will accept me?
The poison of rejection has made me ill;
My past, a knife that has stabbed my heart.
I'm searching for acceptance
In a world that is against me;
How long until my search is over?
I'm worn out and tired
Of making futile attempts at finding a friend.
All I've ever hoped for,
Now thrown away.
The ugliness of rejection is all that shows.
Rejected, and this pencil and paper are all I have --
My only friends in a dark world of hurt and pain.
Uninvited,
And I can't take anymore.
The lonely tears I cry are ignored
By teasing laughter.
My life will be a secret,
Lived for only me to see.
This gloomy raincloud of regret hovers over me,
And all I can do
Is write.
When your sins are scribbled on your forehead
For the world to see,
I still love you.
When every mistake you've made
Comes back to haunt you,
I will accept you.
The poison of rejection has made you ill;
Your past seems like a knife that has stabbed your heart.
You have been searching for acceptance
In a world that is against you;
Your search is now over.
You're worn out and tired,
But I give you rest.
All you've ever hoped for
Can be found in Me.
Now the beauty of acceptance is all that shows.
You are Mine, and I am all you need.
Call on Me when your world is dark.
I invite you in;
You don't have to fight anymore.
I have heard your cry;
What took you so long to cry to Me?
Your life was never a secret;
I saw every moment.
I welcome you in with open arms
And I call you
My child.
