I have been a writer for almost as long as I can remember. Occasionally, I like to read things I have written in the past. When I am in a good place spiritually and emotionally, I like to think of how God might respond to the unfiltered thoughts of 16-year-old me.
Well, sometimes those thoughts are especially unfiltered. And sometimes the person expressing them is a few years beyond 16.
I wrote this (untitled) poem just four years ago. I was 24. I had graduated from a Christian school where I finally understood what it was like to have real friends who loved me and prayed for me. I was part of an amazing church family where I had some great opportunities to serve alongside some awesome people who genuinely cared for me and wanted to see me thrive. But even though I wasn't going out of my way to hide my struggles, they consumed me at times. This particular poem is especially jarring, even to me. I will be honest: it sounds remarkably like a suicide note. That shouldn't be much of a surprise to me - I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for most of my life. But seeing my apparent "plans" explained so bluntly is rather eye-opening. I most likely didn't have any concrete plans, but I can't remember what happened that day to make me contemplate suicide so seriously. But the truth is that my life is not my own to take away, and God has a purpose for my life beyond my plans.
Deep down, I knew it would end this way.
But I didn't want to face the truth.
I thought I would have gotten help by now.
At least, I tried to.
It's all on me.
No one can help me if I don't open up.
What is locked inside is bound to decay.
I can't expect others to know what they don't know.
And yet, here I am.
I don't want to do this.
But what other choice do I have?
And that's the truth.
It doesn't have to end this way.
I died for all your sins and your burdens.
It's all on Me.
You're right about one thing -
No person can help you if you don't open up.
But I know all. Tell Me, or just be still and know.
Here I am.
Come, follow Me.
It's the only choice that matters.
