Honestly, Why?

Honestly, I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I don't know what else to pray.
Are my prayers falling on deaf ears?
I have said all I know to say.
Why have You not done what I thought was Your will?

Honestly, I know You're more than enough.
But honestly, I still feel like something's missing.
Why do I want more?
Is my faith too weak?
If I was made for more,
Why is more so hard to get?
Is there something wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?

Every Time

I've been here before
Surrendering it all
Every time.

"But it's different this time"
That's what I say
Every time.

With all my heart, I repent
I sincerely intend to fervently pursue Your heart
Every time.

But I will fall again
I do
Every time.

Still Your grace covers me
I don't understand it - but it does
Every time.

Mercy awaits me
With loving, open arms
Every time.

Lies

When I believe the devil's lies

I spit in the face of mercy.

I scream mocking words of scorn

At the One who loves me most strongly.

But He doesn't hurl back insults.

"Father, forgive them"

Is His only response.

I pause, perplexed by this demonstration of mercy.

Moments later, I continue screaming.

Again, "Father, forgive them."

I am driven to repentance

But not before the sting of my sin has been felt.

"It is finished."
But what is "it"?
What is finished?
It seems obvious - Jesus has breathed His last.
But that can't be all - there has to be more.
Could it be the completion of a promise?
Yes - I can now believe his truth
Instead of giving into Satan's lies.

O God, Be Near

One of my favorite Christmas songs is not a "Christmas" song at all. It is a worship song with lyrics expressing the singer's need to experience the manifest presence of God. God with us. Emmanuel.

For dark is light to You.

Depths are height to You.

Far is near, but Lord, I need to hear from You.

Be near - o God, be near.

O God of us, your nearness is to us our good.

- Shane and Shane, Be Near 

Lately, I have tried to put myself in the shoes of the Israelites who lived around the time of Jesus' birth. What were they feeling? How desperately must they have longed for freedom. How exhausted must they have been from trying to fulfill the law themselves. The relief mixed with awestruck wonder they must have felt when, at last, their promised Messiah had come - only to be placed on a humble bed of straw to symbolize that he was, in fact, not only fully God but fully human.

As the earth groans.

Creation awaits in darkness.

Striving for a perfection we cannot achieve.

The time of need is now.

Oh God, be near.

Come. Dwell with us.

Be our Emmanuel.

But what child is this?

Helpless. Placed in a manger.

This is not a throne fit for a king -

Nor a cradle for newborn royalty.

How can this child set us free?

We have waited in expectation.

Could this be the one?

The promised Messiah, who will bring us peace.

Oh God, please be near.

- Cole Gossage, 2021

When You don't move the mountain...

 "And this mountain that's in front of me can be thrown into the midst of the sea."

 It Is Well With My Soul is probably my favorite hymn. Several years ago, I sang it to audition for the music department in college, so the song itself has sentimental value to me, but the lyrics are an absolutely beautiful reminder of the Lord's promises and the peace they bring. I can appreciate some attempts to bring the truths in classic hymns to modern audiences and church congregations, but there is one line from the song "It Is Well" (Bethel? Hillsong? I honestly don't know.) that makes me a bit uncomfortable whenever we sing it in church. The line is "And this mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea."

That's it. A simple line that sounds really encouraging, right? A declaration of God's strength. Well, yes, but this one line seems to me a bit like telling God what to do. I could be wrong in my interpretation, and one line (or one word) is not enough to throw the whole song out, so I usually sing "And this mountain that's in front of me can be thrown into the midst of the sea."

Because sometimes God doesn't move the entire mountain. Sometimes He moves relatively small boulders and rocks. Sometimes we have to climb the mountain with Him. Sometimes He forms a mountain pass or a tunnel. But He has promised that we never have to traverse the mountain alone.

And the scenery is always beautiful.

It's all on me.

I have been a writer for almost as long as I can remember. Occasionally, I like to read things I have written in the past. When I am in a good place spiritually and emotionally, I like to think of how God might respond to the unfiltered thoughts of 16-year-old me.
Well, sometimes those thoughts are especially unfiltered. And sometimes the person expressing them is a few years beyond 16.
I wrote this (untitled) poem just four years ago. I was 24. I had graduated from a Christian school where I finally understood what it was like to have real friends who loved me and prayed for me. I was part of an amazing church family where I had some great opportunities to serve alongside some awesome people who genuinely cared for me and wanted to see me thrive. But even though I wasn't going out of my way to hide my struggles, they consumed me at times. This particular poem is especially jarring, even to me. I will be honest: it sounds remarkably like a suicide note. That shouldn't be much of a surprise to me - I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for most of my life. But seeing my apparent "plans" explained so bluntly is rather eye-opening. I most likely didn't have any concrete plans, but I can't remember what happened that day to make me contemplate suicide so seriously. But the truth is that my life is not my own to take away, and God has a purpose for my life beyond my plans.

Deep down, I knew it would end this way.
But I didn't want to face the truth.
I thought I would have gotten help by now.
At least, I tried to.
It's all on me.
No one can help me if I don't open up.
What is locked inside is bound to decay.
I can't expect others to know what they don't know.
And yet, here I am.
I don't want to do this.
But what other choice do I have?

My child, I have plans for you -
And that's the truth.
It doesn't have to end this way.
I died for all your sins and your burdens.
It's all on Me.
You're right about one thing -
No person can help you if you don't open up.
But I know all. Tell Me, or just be still and know.
Here I am.
Come, follow Me.
It's the only choice that matters.

Identity Crisis (Image pt.3)

When crisis begat crisis -
You were there.
You kept on pursuing me.
I was on the wrong road -
Boy, was I on the wrong road -
But still, You pursued me.
I was completely oblivious -
Unaware that I was getting further away from You.
I didn't recognize my surroundings -
Nothing looked familiar.
I'm on the right road now.
Now everything looks like home.
With You by my side, I know who I am.
Because I know Whose I am.

Image pt. 2

I was looking for myself - 
Looking high.
Looking low.
Looking left.
Looking right.
And You found me.
I don't even remember where I was then - 
But You found me.
I can't imagine where I would be now -
But You found me.
I was made for so much more than the path I was on.
You created me in Your image.
How could I find my identity
Without knowing Your image?

Image

Made in Your image.
I couldn't fathom that.
I was searching for myself.
I didn't know who I was.
Was I the product of my upbringing?
My trauma?
My feelings?
My sins?
Was I doomed to what I had become?
I thought I would be okay
Once I found myself.
But I couldn't find myself -
Until I found You.
You found me.
You gave me a home
When no one wanted me.
You gave me a name.
You created me
In Your image.

All About Love

"Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - Ephesians 4:2

I recall a conversation I had with a Christian friend many years back in which she claimed to have turned to Buddhism because "those people really know how to live." I was not very close friends with this girl, so I do not know how strong her own faith had been (I do know that she had only professed to be a Christian for two years). I also do not know if she had completely turned from Christianity or if she was simply exploring some Buddhist teachings while maintaining a walk with the Lord. But this statement really stuck with me. At first, I was taken aback. To be honest, my judgmental 14-year-old heart was seriously doubting the genuineness of her faith. Over a decade later, however, I am filled not with judgement but sadness. I am sad that individuals can be turned off to Christianity because they don't know what Christianity is really about.

The primary reason people, especially seekers and new Christians, are turned off to Christianity is our lack of love. Christians can be mean. I am reminded of that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners," which has the line "Nobody knows what we're for, only what we're against, when we judge the wounded." Is our hope in Christ and the love that he gives immediately visible to outsiders? I'm not saying people should immediately get saved when they see you without ever having a real conversation, but does your spirit make them curious about this Jesus you claim to live for? Or do you (unknowingly sometimes) push them away by only casting judgment without expressing love for the hurting?

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

This was one of the first scriptures I memorized (besides John 3:16) as a child in Sunday School. I could go into a lengthy discussion about what it means to be "fruitful," and why the word "fruit" is singular when clearly more than one trait is mentioned, but I just want to focus on the first part of that scripture: "But the fruit of the spirit is love." But what is love? (Baby, don't hurt me?) I have a post where I go into depth about the specifics of love (but fail to give a concise definition). Read that post. Although I did not concisely define love, I gave a few practical examples of love.

I am reminded of another scripture, John 13:35, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." How can we expect to be accepted as trustworthy witnesses if we, as Christ's disciples and ambassadors, do not show love to outsiders or even each other?